The Pontificating Tatanka

On Bugets

2011-04-07T08:20:00.001-07:00

I almost got side-tracked today and talked about how great and humble I am. But the Internet was making enough noise about the upcoming budgets so I just had to weigh in. Really it's pretty simple: choose one of the following two options:

Option A: A plan that will kill babies, deflower virgins, destroy America, invite Satan into our lives, decrease quality health care, leave us vulnerable to terrorists, give handouts to the lazy, encourage entitlement, let Democrats win, take money from the rich, bankrupt practically everyone you know, personally offend me, and might save a few measly trillion dollars.

or

Option B: A plan that will lead to prosperity, will save hundreds of billions of trillions of dollars, and that was put together by my main man Paul Ryan.

Seems like an easy choice to me.

-TKO Out

On Union Bustting

2011-03-09T20:02:00.001-08:00

A good friend of mine explained it best:

My liberal friends just don't understand the Wisconsin dilemma. If Walker allows the public unions to keep collective bargaining, that's like me saying to the Genie "fine, I will give up 2 of my 3 wishes, but I get to keep 1... see how much I'm willing to sacrifice?". Then with my last wish, I wish for more wishes

Seriously, how can we trust these people with all those wishes when the best they could do with past wishes was guaranteeing themselves jobs that pay $50K a year? Let's not waste the wishes we hand out!

On Fake Freedom

2011-02-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

If I had known that Democracy in the Middle East was going to cost me an extra dollar a gallon for gas I think I would have opted for more tyranny.

On NPR

2011-02-20T11:49:00.001-08:00

Apparently there is a raging debating going on on the Internet about whether or not NPR and PBS is part of the left wing domination of news media. Luckily for you, my loyal readers, I'm here to tell you the answer, with proof. The debate ends here with my list of reasons why it's clear that NPR and PBS are part of the left wing propaganda communist machine and why we should stop funding them.

No one ever yells on their programs

It's very boring

Ira Glass

The commentators spend a lot of time talking about books that they didn't write

My parents listen to it

NPR doesn't spend all day of everyday praising Bush and exposing Obama's lies

The Cookie Monster (he's blue through and through)

Grandpa says it's so

On Wanted Adds

2011-02-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

I don't undestand the problem here--I take pictures without a shirt on and send them to people all the time.

Betsy requested one just the other day. Here's what I sent her:

On Ungreatful

2011-02-08T08:56:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure Regan's kids were adopted.

On More Famous

2011-02-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

I wonder why if "President" Obama is so great why is my girl Sarah Palin on the news more often? No one seems to follow him around caring what he has to say, but everyone loves my girl!!!!

There is one small problem with Sarah Palin though: she practically says everything that is on my mind. She's going to put me out of a job.

On Ronald Reagon

2011-02-06T09:29:00.001-08:00

Here's to you old buddy! You and the gold old days!

Happy 100th!

On Name Changeing

2010-04-01T10:10:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking of changing my name. While I have made the name Tatanka fairly popular over the last five years it's still sort of a liberal-native-American-back-to-your-roots type of nonsense I just can't get behind. Google inspired me today; I'm headed down to the court house to change my name to Texas.

On Braking the Law

2010-03-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

As you guys know I love the police; I dream of one day retiring from being Secretary of Defense and taking up Police Commissioner as a hobby (not of San Francisco of course--they don't let you arrest proper criminals there) . So it breaks my heart to see this:

Clearly this is a ragtag band of liberal dogs, probably illegal aliens even, I'm sure I've even seen some of them at pro-abortion rallies before. Anyway, it's a shame what this country is coming to. As if having a Muslim as president wasn't bad enough!

TKO

On Wierd

2009-11-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

Today I was sitting around wondering if there are any creatures weirder than my sister. I could only think of three:

3. The Armadillo - Turning into a rolling tank thingy is awesome, but weird right?

2. The Duckbill Platypus - Uhhh.... Be a duck or be a platypus, but don't be both.

1. The Leprechaun - Seriously those things just creep me out. <shiver>

On Berthing

2009-10-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not afraid to put up my real birth certificate for the whole world to see... Why is Obama so afraid to show us his?

On Criing.

2009-05-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

So my parents spent another $100 getting me diagnosed with dry eyes at the vet. Had they asked I would have told them that of course it's physically impossible for me to cry. I've never been hurt my entire life, so it's hard to test the theory, but trust me, I don't cry. Do you know who the only person who has cried less than me is? Chuck Norris. It's actually a tie because neither of us have ever cried, but I might have thought about crying once, when Obama was elected President, but I kept my stuff together, which isn't to say that Chuck wasn't distraught by the event too, but believe me, he wasn't thinking about crying, I'm sure he was thinking about drop-kicking Obama and his little monkey Biden all the way to the Sun (that thought actually kept me from crying in that most trying time). Anyway, now my parents keep putting eye-drops in my eye which gives the illusion of crying, but please, everyone, know that I am NOT crying.

- TKO

On Sometimes Your Right

2009-04-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

I need to catch up on a little news.

Just to be clear and before I'm misunderstood I want to say that I don't think Obama picks great nominees for his cabinet, however sometimes his selections are very telling. For instance he originally chose Tom Daschle for head of Health and Human Services and White House Office of Health Reform. This was a bad pick to begin with mind you, but when Mr. Daschle withdrew his nomination Obama went looking for a replacement and all he could find were women. And guess what? He realized there was no way one woman could ever do the job of one man (even a liberal hippie man) and so he chose two women to take on the job that Daschle was going to do alone. So now we have Nancy-Ann Min DeParle (stupid name) and Kathleen Sebelius as partners (I don't know why they insist on all the lesbian innuendos: "partner this and partner that", but you know it's just like the gays to flaunt it in your face). Point being, even though Obama is a terrorists it's good to see he's still able to recognize the proper value of men and women.

On Tyme Off

2009-04-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

Guys, seriously, sorry. I can only imagine how hard your lives have been not having me around (especially in such dire times with our insane/communist president practically turning America into the U.S.S.R). But I needed some time to lick my wounds--it's what us dogs do--before I could come back here. You're probably wondering what I did while I was away. No worries, I've made a list.

1. Chased tail (no better way to get back into a groove, I recommend it to anyone).
2. Started a garden (well actually I've just eaten some of the strawberries out of someone elses garden but it was hard work and it was nice to get back in touch with the land).
3. Destroyed my sister (ok so it was a dream, but man was it a good dream)
4. Slept (a lot)
5. Used a substantial amount of my parent's money on unnecessary trips to the vet. (They say I'm the perfect weight, btw, so no more fat jokes guys)
6. Was abducted by some liberal hippies in the east bay. I'm not sure what happened there but it wasn't actually too bad, there were these little kids that would play nonstop and they had the greatest tasting snot on their faces and the guy who appeared to run the place was great to chill on the couch with. Plus my sister wasn't there. It was shocking at first and at times it was hard to hear the liberal nonsense they talked about but I could lose myself enough in the snot and naps on the couch that it almost made it worth while, plus it's not like I get a break from the liberal nonsense at home anyway).
7. Caught up on reading. Only American stuff of course. I've made it through my dad's Hemingway collection, now I'm moving on to Updike.

On Inagurations

2009-01-20T18:28:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Really. Ugh.

Guys,

Really? We needed change? After eight glorious years of pure Bush heaven you want a change? I don't get people sometimes. Anyway, I realized today the only reason why Obama won was because of gimmicky advertising.

It's cool though, in four years expect me to take control back:

On Chrismas Spirit

2009-01-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not the best with words (big words and long sentence turn you liberal) so I get a little confused when my parents call my personal hero Dick Cheney evil. Now surely this word most have some positive meaning to it, as most words that describe Mr. Vice President do: lovable, cuddly, handsome, brave, dangerous, bad (meaning good). So anyway I figure who better to celebrate (other than Jesus, my good friend also) than Dick Cheney at this special time of year? So I rearranged some of our decorations in honor of my main man.

On Gladd It's Over

2008-11-30T21:55:00.000-08:00

Seriously, can we stop hearing about Barack HUSSEIN Obama? This election wore me out.

Dad let me borrow his new iphone and I got this sweet picture:

On Prety

2008-10-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

The Left-loving-media is giving the future Vice President (which I will just shorten to The Vice President here on out) and Senator McCain a hard time about the way they're spending some of their campaign money. But really it's not a big deal that the most beautiful woman in the world is spending more on style than on a Foreign Policy Adviser, and I'll tell you why. When you're the most experienced person in the world in regard to foreign policy why would you need an adviser? I'm pretty sure this "adviser" probably just brings Senator McCain and Vice President Palin their coffee (grown in Brazil no doubt) and stuff, why would you want to pay someone a lot of money for that?

Also I've been thinking a lot about the first thing I'm going to do when I finally meet the Vice President, and I've decided that the Secret Service (and Todd) be damned, I'm going to hump her leg. If you come over to my house I might have to practice on you, I want it to be just right when I finally meet her.

On Socialisation

2008-09-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

Everyone is going on and on about how the Republicans have given up on the free markets and how we should be embracing socialized medicine soon too. The left is throwing around silly accusations about how hypocritical the right is. So it's up to me, of course, to straighten this mess out.

To see why this isn't socialism let me compare it to socialized medicine. For starters (and I can't believe I really have to point this out, but the left has never show itself to be super smart) look at the words. Socialized Medicine vs AIG Bail-Out. There it is, all spelled out, one has socialism in the name, the other is just a bail-out, not socialization. Point number two: look at where the money is going. In socialism money goes to individuals (lazy, greedy, entitlement loving people) but in a bail-out the money goes to a corporation (filled with rich and thus honest, hard working, productive people).

Everyone can relax now, Bush and company have this under control, and they're certainly not fixing it with socialism!

- TKO

On Lawgic

2008-09-21T09:09:00.001-07:00

My new girlfriend is getting some flack from the left (which is really just a compliment) for some of her State Official appointments. The one most talked about is the top of the State Division of Agriculture. It's been cited that the official's qualifications for the job was her life long love of cows.

Let's assume for a moment that this was the only reason she got the job (which is probably a bad assumption, she was also a highly skilled real estate agent, which means she knows stuff about land, and guess what farms are built on... Land. Also if you're Sarah's friend I think it implies a whole lot of good qualities about you as a person and your abilities to run just about any organization). Even if this were the only reason I don't think it's that bad of a reason, here are some examples of other successful similar logical appointments/selections (some are hypothetical).

President Bush - His life long love of the Rangers (the baseball team) turned out to be a perfect prerequisite for being the Commander of the Rangers (the Texas law enforcement agency) and later the US Military's Commander and Chief.

Michael D. Brown - He loved horses and so made a perfect fit as the head of FEMA

Tatanka Kessler - Always loved destroying things so would make a very, very good Secretary of Defense (I hope someone is reading this).

Don't worry Sarah, I think you appointed the right person for the job and will no doubt continue to do so in the future (please see my list above for suggested future appointments).

-TKO

PS. Don't be surprised if you see similar material on Stephen Colbert's show later this week. BTW, he hasn't contacted me yet.

On Colbear

2008-09-18T22:02:00.001-07:00

Hello Friends,

I need to talk about a very, very, very serious topic now: Stephen Colbert.

First off, let's be kind and forgive him the French name and continued French pronunciation. The man is a genius: clever, funny, conservative, a fan of O'Reilly (God Bless You Bill-O), he's not afraid to call a liberal a dirty liberal, so forth and so on. I'm sure anyone who has seen the show and read my blog have probably seen a great deal in overlap on how our minds work: fast, keen, sharp, wittily, always right, trend setting, etc. Surprisingly I've noticed that a lot of times I'll say something on my blog and a few days later Stephen will mention something very similar on his show. I'm not accusing him of anything, just pointing out facts.

What's my point you ask? Well let me tell you just what my point is. If I've learned one thing from Mr. Colbert it's that if you want something or someone's attention the best way to get it is by calling out their man-hood. So here it is. Mr. Colbert unless you let me be on your show I say you're chicken. You're afraid that I'll out showman you, out right-wing you, out good-looking you, out conservative you. Clearly your lack of having me on the show is a sure sign of fear. I ask YOU Mr. Colbert, when will Comedy Central end its embargo on balls? I at least have an excuse (I was neutered at a young age, and against my better judgment and will).

I can understand your fear, I've seen it in the eyes of many pit bulls and tree hugging hippies as I gnawed off their knee-caps. But you have to look at this the right way. Imagine me as your co-host, my superior sense of smell would be able to sniff out any liberal infiltrators in your audience or head off foul liberal ideas before they get anywhere near your hard earned suit, that thing is beautifully spotless. And let us not forget it will show undoubtedly, forever, how assured you are of our manhood, your testicles.

You sir, have been put on notice. I'm headed your direction.

On Plan of Atack

2008-09-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

Gag!

This is how Mr. Obama responds in a fight? He comes out and talks a bunch of words? Writes a plan? Who needs a plan when you got a military veteran behind the wheel? We need a president, and vice president, who are tough, ready to fight, like pitbulls, or chugs (I mean if we're going to be serious about our analogies I think chug makes a lot more sense here).

Anyway, who has time to read a whole plan? What's happening to America? George W's gut has lead us so far and so well you'd think we'd be over all this plan stuff. Plans are for sissies.

This sort of reminds me of a story (true no doubt). One time my mom left a whole box of chocolates out on the floor, in a bag. And you see I have this awesome nose so I of course find those chocolates. And what do I do when I find those chocolates? I don't make any girly plans. I tear into those things like there's no tomorrow. Before you know it I've eaten five or six of them. Then I hear mom behind me. I've got no where to run or hide so I just swallow two more before she can get me. Boy did I get in trouble, but guess what, I also got seven or eight pieces of chocolate. She also made me drink hydrogen peroxide, which made me throw up, but who cares? The chocolate was so good. If I would have been Obama (or Morgan) I would have sat there making plans or thinking about ramifications; then mom would showed up and I wouldn't have gotten any chocolate. So yeah, if you don't like chocolate feel free to vote for this guy. But if you love chocolate, McCain is your man (and Palin is your woman, seriously though, she's so much more like a Chug than a pitbull, I mean pitbulls' eyes are too far apart like they're retarded or something).

On Loveing

2008-09-04T09:53:00.001-07:00

I've always said women should be in politics, that they make great leaders, and that they are just as capable as men. And now, finally, someone has come along to prove my point. My new crush:

"Drill Baby Drill!"

I love you Sarah Palin.

On Honisty

2008-07-15T12:49:00.003-07:00

Mom, I just wanted to let you know that I didn't eat your hat. Promise!

On Gunn Controll

2008-07-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

There's some good news for real Americans. The Supreme Court has decided that a ban on handguns is illegal! And the court also struck down the silly requirement that firearms be equipped with trigger locks. This second one is especially important for me, not having opposable thumbs makes it pretty hard to use my guns when they've got those silly locks on them. Technically I'm not even allowed to own guns (because I'm a dog), but now that they're letting the gays get married I'm pretty sure they'll start letting dogs own guns too. You win some you lose some I suppose.

On Sellebrating

2008-07-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today is the most important holiday of the year. Now I'll give you that the birth of Christ is pretty important, especially to this great Christian nation, but the actual birth of the greatest democracy to ever be seen on this planet (and I'm quite sure any other planet in the Universe too) is hugely important. In celebration I wanted to post some of my favorite patriotic songs, not songs like my dad posts, those things can down right bore you to sleep or make you want to eat your own tail--not that I'm against napping generally, and now that I think about it if I could I would eat my own tail, but it's always just out of reach, and it hurts just a little when I bite it, anyway. I'm talking about great classic American songs. Here's my top five list:

God Bless The USA (Fact: If you can't get behind this song, you're not American. Period. This cannot be debated.)

The Star Spangled Banner (Could there be a better National Anthem? You got to love this song, even if this guy doesn't (I think we know who not to vote for)).

Born in the USA (I wasn't even aware that other countries had hospitals, that's the problem with socialized medicine. The best part of being born in the USA is that you don't have to go through the hassle of immigrating here, which everyone wants to do, clearly.)

Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (Now you'll notice that I don't have a link to this song; it turns out my parents refuse to spend the money to download it. I'm still trying to get the $100 out of them that I made at Yahoo but they're holding out on me. Anyway, if we had to choose a different national anthem I'd go for this song. This thing makes me want to go out and salute a flag, or bite morgan.)

Have You Forgotten (Same problem as previous song. Sometimes my parents really bug me. Anyway, it's almost election time and I think it's as important as ever to remember why we went into Iraq and all the good it's done and how much safer we are now because of it. Please, people, don't forget.)

Vote Republican if you love America.

TKO

On Compitetion

2008-05-27T23:54:00.001-07:00

Check out this loser, trying to be like me, but batting for the other (wrong) team:

Next thing you know he'll probably have a blog and claim he was the first ever political dog. We know better though. Plus look at his old dilapidated house. I think we all know why it's so ghetto (hint: liberals can't afford anything nice because they're all poor moochers).

- TKO

On Mememorial Day

2008-05-25T17:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't lost too many friends. But this guy was something special. R.I.P.

On Moore Rumors

2008-05-08T23:46:00.001-07:00

Rumor has it I'm not into politics anymore, that I've lost a step. Well don't worry. I figured while Hillary and Os(b)ama were tearing each other apart I could rest up like Old John McCain. Now that the generals are about to kick in I'm ready, I even got some new gear for the season.

On Crulty to Animals

2008-05-04T21:41:00.000-07:00

My parents just got back from the Farm Sanctuary. Apparently there was some talk of vegan dog food. I don't think they quite understand the irony: they go to learn about how to prevent cruelty to animals and they come back with these crazy ideas on how to harm me and my wolf ancestors.

On Shoot Outs

2008-04-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

I meant "shout outs." I was perusing my web logs today and noticed I've picked up some new readers in South Dakota. I can't say enough good things about South Dakota. When I think red blooded American, I think South Dakota. And when I think of South Dakota I think of the wild west, I think of killing Indians (you can't fight Manifest Destiny, they were foolish for trying), I think rugged leather faced Americans. I wouldn't mind moving to South Dakota, get away from all these liberal yahoos. I'll be dreaming of you tonight.

Did I mention I was going to be a cowboy for Halloween last year? That's how much I love South Dakota.

On Gremlyns

2008-03-28T11:46:00.001-07:00

I was laying around in the sun today while mom was sitting on the couch reading some book (probably liberal propaganda). My dad walked in the room and said we needed to talk about something. He had just read this article that was titled "Gremlin has suspected role in multiple shooting." Turns out they were talking about a car, but seriously guys, the "Tatanka looks like a Gremlin" jokes are getting old.

On Mit Happens

2008-02-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

On To Late

2008-02-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

My boy Mitt isn't doing so well. Perhaps I should have told everyone who I was voting for BEFORE Super Tuesday.

On Voteed

2008-02-05T11:44:00.000-08:00

I did it! I cast my vote. I know you're all dying to know who I voted for, so you'll know who to vote for. I put my vote in for Mitt. He's strong, he's handsome, he's conservative. There really isn't much more you could ask for in a candidate.

I've one complaint though. Why are there foreign languages all over my "I Voted" sticker? I asked for one that just had English on it and the lady's eyes just about jumped out of her head. It's not like I was asking to eat her baby. Crazy liberals. Hopefully she doesn't try to throw my vote away.

On Oh Deer

2008-01-28T14:00:00.000-08:00

January 4th was the last time I posted. I'm ashamed. For all those who have stuck with me through the slow times I thank you. For those who have abandoned me (like the Right has abandoned Bush, God Bless him), thanks for nothing. Not to make excuses but I have been busy advising Huckabee. Unfortunately we've come to an en passe. He doesn't think a dog can rightly server a Secretary of Defense. Clearly this is not true. You guys know I've patterned my life after one of our very best Secretary of Defenses: Donald Rumsfeld (no Offense Secretary Gates). I'm ready for this job. Plus he's been asking a lot of questions about my sister, what breed is she (useless), how much does she weigh (35lbs), does she shed (yes, a ton, you don't want to mess with that), is she smart (hahahah, please). So anyway, I'm moving my support away from Huckabee. I haven't decided who I'm going to back yet. I'll keep you guys posted though. Also, my blog is going off-line for a couple hours tonight. Don't worry, I haven't left the Internet, in fact since I'm not on the campaign trail anymore I will be back in full force.

On Almost Famus Sucks

2008-01-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

Ok I know I should be posting about Huckabee right now, and don't get me wrong, I am in fact excited, but I first have to follow up with more news from my big debut the other day. (Like all movie stars, I have my causes, but my career comes first).

My mom keeps saying I lost my chance at stardom because I didn't follow directions, but here's the deal- I WAS TRICKED!! They were all like "Tatanka, come be a big movie star", but then they wanted me to compromise myself for this video. After I got there (we call it "arrived on the set" in show biz) they set it all up and then said, "all you have to do is sit on this guys lap and lick his face". . . Ummmm, No Thank You! Where are the hot chicks I was promised? Well maybe I wasn't promised any hot chicks but still I think it's kinda implied when you're in the biz.

So anyway, I licked once but only because they put bacon grease on the guys mustache, but I wasn't gonna be caught falling for that trick again, and they better not be putting any of that footage on the web trying to make it look like I was into him or something. After that first lick I gaged, spit, and refused to go on. I was NOT going to give them any second takes until they replaced that hairy-mouthed guy with a hot chick.
I told them I would give it another go if they'd just make the switch, but apparently, that didn't fit the bill or something. Oh, and that's not the only thing that sucks about almost being famous. Turns out they don't even pay you right then and there- the check's "in the mail". Humph!

On Almost Famus

2008-01-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

My pall Milo has gotten me a sweet gig on a Yahoo Video. I'm not one-hundred percent sure what the deal is yet but there will be cameras, hot chicks, and me. I'll report back tomorrow to let everyone know how it goes. One thing I do know is I'm making $100 off this; I hope my parents don't try to make me split the profits with my stupid sister.

Soon Letterman is going to want me on his show.

On Teem-Ups

2007-12-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

Things are really rolling now, I wouldn't be surprised if Huckabee selects Chuck Norris for his Vice President, and me as Secretary of Defense (imagine me following in the footsteps of the great Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld).

Although it may look like I got left out of the video, I didn't. I wrote and directed it. Some people are just better behind the camera. Although if you think about it I'm pretty good behind it and in front of it.

On Being Rite

2007-11-29T13:30:00.000-08:00

I called it guys. Huckabee is going to win this thing. For those who haven't figured it out yet from my other posts, I know pretty much everything. High-five (paw). I better start working on some new pins and bumper-stickers.

On Chainy

2007-11-27T16:59:00.001-08:00

Looks like Super Hero VP is back in full working order.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/CardiacHealth/wireStory?id=3917185

Sometimes I fear my heart is going to give out too when I see the terrible state this country is in, or when I'm destroying things, trust me it's hard work. For instance if a Democrat wins this next election (I know, not very realistic but that's kind of the point) Dick and I might both end up at the Vet's office.

Do you know what soothes my heart? Thinking about getting all tucked into bed and having VP Cheney read me a bed time story in that great voice of his, baring his teeth. It reminds me of my more youthful years.

Hey I wonder if Cheney will run for President next year, think of the unstoppable force he would be. I'd throw Huckabee under a bus to have a man of Cheney's stature in the White House again.

On Dadd

2007-11-26T21:40:00.000-08:00

My dad isn't as good of a blogger as I am. In fact he had a blog and let it die, probably because no one was interested in his liberal propaganda. Anyway, mom says it would be nice (and I am a compassionate conservative) if I mentioned he had a new blog. So I am, but seriously guys, I wouldn't waste any time reading it. All you need is right here. I've actually been thinking that whoever is in charge of the Internet could shut down all other blogs and no one would know the difference.

http://alwaysandeverything.blogspot.com/

On Future Presedent

2007-11-21T00:07:00.000-08:00

Grandpa Said this earlier, in regard to my post about future President Huckabee.

Please don't tell me you're one of "those" people, uhhh dogs, who change candidates depending on which way the wind is blowing. Now don't get me wrong, I think Mike Huckabee has some very good qualities, but he's NOT going to win the nomination any more than Ron Paul is!! A couple of months ago your choice of prospects in order were Romney, Giuliani, Thompson, & McCain. I can see Huckabee moving up on your list, but how did he jump over all four of these REAL candidates?

You are truly a political icon, T, and I look forward to hearing what it is that has caused you to abandon your original choices to bury Scary Hillary as deeply as is humanly possible.

Obviously I need to explain myself if my role-model is questioning my decisions.

Now grandpa, you know I hate the liberal drive-by media, and I worried if I presented my real choice too early they'd start attacking him with slander and libel. So the whole Romney, Giuliani, Thompson, and McCain thing was just to throw the media off my trail. Now they've spent a good couple of months bad mouthing my predicted front-runners and have forgotten all about Huckabee. Luckily it doesn't matter too much who wins the nomination, they'll all beat out the Democrats who are having a good time cannibalizing each other. The country is learning an important lesson here: liberalism leads to cannibalism.

On Gros

2007-11-13T09:15:00.000-08:00

Look where the slippery slope of gay marriage has led!

But this gave me an idea. I'm thinking I might put a personal add in the newspaper, not for myself, but for Morgan. If I can find some liberal to marry her then I can have the castle all back to myself. Plus liberals are always trying to change good tradition so I might even be able to find one dumb enough to pay me a dowry in exchange for my sister.

On Blogging

2007-11-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

I believe today is my one year blogging anniversary. I'll have to get recommitted to it, I've been extremely busy studying up for the next Presidential Election.

On Canadia

2007-10-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm a little confused by this article. For those who aren't interested in reading any words other than my own, let me summarize.

Basically Canada is complaining that the United States (God bless it) used some video footage from Canada as part of a tourism campaign, in particular some scenery of Niagara Falls.

Here's what I don't get, the video also shows monuments from Washington D.C., the Grand Canyon, the beaches of Hawaii, etc. Why is Canada the only state complaining? What makes them so special? It might be about time we kick these yahoos out of the Union.

-- TKO

On Voteing

2007-10-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

My man, Chuck Norris, has put his considerable power (I hear he could kick a football all the way to the moon) behind the same candidate I'm going to vote for: Mike Huckabee.

I realize that you haven't heard me mention this name before so it *might* look like I'm voting for whoever Chuck Norris is (which, btw, isn't that bad of a way to decide who you're voting for, the man won't steer you wrong, also it's my understanding that if the sun blew up we could put Chuck Norris in the sky and survive off his life giving rays). But that's not what's happening here. I've been in contact with Chuck Norris and we decided to announce our votes at the same time to double the impact (speaking of impact, I hear that if Chuck Norris kicked you in the nuts your whole family would feel it).

On Bycycles

2007-10-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

Speaking of sports heroes, I was just reminiscing about how much I like Lance Armstrong. He's an American hero who fought back against cancer and, get this, he beat the French at their own game. Normally I wouldn't recommend playing French games but if you're going to you might as well beat them at it.

On Vik

2007-10-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone has heard of this Michael Vick guy, right? Let me give you quick recap just in case you're not up to speed on the topic. He's a football star who was recently found to be part of a dog fighting ring. I'm a little torn on this topic. On the macro level I'm against killing dogs, but on the micro level I'm all for killing pit bulls. Just the other day I saw one playing with a ball and I was about two milliseconds away from going all Chuck Norris on him. Silly dog was lucky dad grabbed me by my tough-guy harness before I got my jaws-of-death fully locked on home-skillet's leg.

What do you guys think, is Vick a hero or a criminal?

I've been reading the Wealth of Nations lately so you may have noticed I've spruced up my vocab a little with Economic jargon (macro and micro). I might school you guys on the greatness of Capitalism in a later post.

On Colombus Day

2007-10-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

WTF?! I couldn't find one single parade to go to today- couldn't find anybody to BBQ with because everyone was working- couldn't find any drawings of Columbus in elementary school windows! I know that Columbus is "controversial" and all, what with these liberals and their semantics with "discovering", but com'on! What is this world coming to?
There was certainly plenty of people parading and drawing on Cesar Chavez day- and what did he do to contribute to discovering America? I'm pretty sure it was NOTHING last time I checked.

God bless you Mr. Columbus!

On Fashonable Furniture

2007-10-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

My mom has been doing a lot of furniture shopping for her new studio. (I know, boooorrrring) But she laughed out loud the other day when she came across this piece from Venfield.
So I of course had to see what all the fuss was about, and she was right- pretty ridiculous. BUT, it gave me another one of my brilliant ideas. I know, I have so many they are hard to keep track of, but this particular brilliant idea was along the lines of a Betsy's Cat kinda idea. You see, I have a pretty ridiculous sister who, while I hate to admit that she ever looks good, would make a fairly good-looking chair- as far as ridiculous chairs go.
I think this is a pretty good idea because one of Morgan's only redeeming qualities is that she's soft. If we made her into a chair, we could all still pet her but we wouldn't have to share food, stuffed hedgehogs, or belly rubs with her.

--TKO

On Fan Clubbs

2007-10-01T23:56:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about starting a Fan Club.
If you send a self-addressed envelope to me you should get one of these back in 10-12 weeks.
I've printed 1000 copies for starters. Should be enough.

--TKO

On Things in Their Rite Places

2007-09-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

My parents got a new vacuum cleaner yesterday, at least that's what they claim it to be. But I think it looks an awful lot like a Ninja Lightsaber, and Ninja Lightsabers should not be kept in the home-

Seeing this foreign object in my office reminded me that it wasn't the first incident of it's kind recently. My good friend Charles was out here visiting again a few weeks back and he brought with him a so-called "toiletry bag". Now I totally dig Charles, but his bag was weird man-

--TKO

On Bad Musik

2007-09-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think I need my own iPod. Currently I am at the whims of whatever my parents are in the mood to listen to, and sadly, this is rarely Country. Frankly, I don't know how people can listen to anything but. I mean, most of the other stuff out there you either can't even understand the words, or they yell it instead of sing it. . . and I'm pretty sure most of it is advocating questionable actions.

Below is a video clip that should illustrate my point well. My dad was listening to something called the White Stripes the other night. It unfortunately possessed him to start dancing like the devil. Fortunately, I was there to bite the devil's heels.

--TKO

On Quoets

2007-09-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I come up with really good quotes. I'm not sure why I haven't shared them in the past. Today, for instance, mom was trying to push me around so I growled at her a little bit. She gave me a stern look and said, "Tatanka be nice!" But, check this out, I told her, "Mom, you can take the wolf out of the forest but you can't take the forest out of the wolf."

-- Secretary TKO

On Not The Reel Deal

2007-09-14T22:13:00.001-07:00

I've discovered an impostor! Some dog claiming to be America's coolest dog. His name is Zoey, here's a link to his website, but there probably isn't any need to visit it often since it won't be nearly as interesting (or informative) as mine.

Here's the thing, I've been doing this for a year now. I've blazed a new path. I'm going all Lewis and Clark on the Internet and this guy, he just shows up and acts like he's the original blogging dog or something. Whatever, I could handle that. But he also claims to be the American Dog. Hello? Has no one been reading my blog (clearly not the case but play along with me)? I'm obviously the top choice for America's Dog. No one, except maybe President Bush, loves America more than me.

On Up Dates

2007-09-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Since my day laborers didn't come by today (don't ask me why, it's probably due to a communist inspired holiday) I had some free time and decide to update my profile. I want my avid readers to get a better feel for who I am, realize I'm a nuanced, complex dog, not just a pretty face. I hope it helps you come to a deeper, fuller understanding of me.

-- Secretary TKO

On I Can Undurstand

2007-09-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

This guy sort of has the same problem I have, but opposite. He's a person who is kind of like a wolf and I'm a wolf kind of like a person. See I have all these complex human thoughts (unlike Morgan who walks around drooling like a zombie all day) and no one really understands me. Luckily the Internet is sort of a buffer. I've got three girlfriends I met on Yahoo Chat, I tell them I'm a doctor in Africa so we can't meet in person. Now I just have to convince the government to let me vote, one more Republican vote in this country would do a world of good.

-- Secretary TKO

On Lables

2007-09-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

My mom just got a new label-maker, and I think she might be getting a little carried away.

--TKO

On Real Debaits II

2007-09-05T22:14:00.001-07:00

Here's something that further helped me get out of my political-depression: the latest Republican Debate. The debates just gets me in the voting spirit; makes me feel so American (the Republican ones, not the Democrat ones, those just make me want to throw up) . The time draws close to when we will be called to the ballot booths again to make the most sacred of decisions: who will run the free world. And I can tell you who I'm not voting for: Mr. Ron Paul.

Doesn't being against the war make you a democrat? I'm going to make a prediction now. By the end of the month Mr. Ron Paul will see his mistake and come round to the right way of viewing the war. To push him in that direction I just might send him an email. Things don't get done if you don't let people know what you're thinking. Now, if everyone in the House and Senate would just read my blog I wouldn't have to write quite so many emails.

--Secretary TKO

On Depresed

2007-09-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been a little rough guys. I'm a worried about the President. He's losing all of his best people: Rove, Gonzales, Snow. I mean they're all leaving for important reasons: family, was doing too good of a job, needed more money. But seriously who is going to help Bush make important decisions in this critical last half year of his Presidency? The only thing that helps me not get completely depressed is the fact that there might be room for me in the White House Cabinet. I think I'd make a splendid Secretary of Defense. From now on you guys should refer to me as Mr. Secretary, you know, for practice. Man I'm feeling better already.

--Secretary TKO

On Contestss

2007-08-31T23:32:00.000-07:00

Bark Magazine is having this contest to pick the next Cover Dog. I was thinking I should probably hold out for the Centerfold Contest because you get a bigger picture of you and they don't put all those words around your picture. . . . But I couldn't seem to find any Doggie Centerfold Contests going on at the moment so I just went ahead and sent my portfolio in for this one.
So anyway, just wanted to warn everyone that you will more than likely be seeing my handsome face on the January Cover issue. I mean yes this is a contest and tens of thousands of dogs from all over the country have been submitted, but com'on- let's be realistic.

--TKO

On Tatoos

2007-08-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was one of the biggest missed opportunities of my life. The tattoo expo was here in town and it completely slipped my mind.
I've been wanting to look into my own particular piece of Body Art. . . . and I've done a little simulation of one of my ideas:
and the close up:
I have to give my day laborer Eric some credit for this one. While he is usually full of bad ideas like leaving the park after only 2 hours, he did help me come up with this great one.

--TKO

On Monkee-Faced

2007-08-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

My parents keep insisting on calling me a "monkey-faced dog." I was having a hard time with it at first, but now I'm convinced it's actually a compliment. I came to this conclusion because one of my all-time favorite people is often compared to a monkey as well--so it can't be too bad.

--TKO

On Not My Falt

2007-08-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

My grandma's birthday was yesterday and it's totally not my fault that I didn't mention it. You see my mom happens to lack conservative values, like respect and tradition and family (most non-conservatives are like this) and therefore didn't even remember that yesterday was her mom's (my grandma's) birthday.
Grandma, I'm so sorry for your daughters poor values, but you can at least rest easy knowing that what didn't get passed on to her has luckily manifested itself one generation later in me. And even if she doesn't care, I still do. Happy Birthday.

-- TKO

On Kindrid Spirits

2007-08-20T23:59:00.000-07:00

In order to be better understood by society, I wanted to highlight Stitch for my readers.
Some of you may be familiar with Stitch. He was the Disney-alien-mistaken-for-dog creature who was created solely to destroy. Now, I'm not claiming to be an alien but I am claiming that I was created solely to destroy. Life can be lonely for guys like us. Living day to day with the purpose of tearing things apart can make it hard to make friends at times. So I just wanted to recognize those kindred spirits who are also programmed in this way.

Notice any similarities?

--TKO

On Uncle Waine

2007-08-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am sad to announce that my very dear friend Wayne will be moving in less than 2 days.
While one can hardly be blamed for wanting to move out of this God-forsaken city what with all of it's liberals and gays and whatnot, I'm still terribly upset about his decision to move to Portland.

I've decided to make a list of the things I will miss about Wayne:
- the way he lets me lick his hand for like 10 mins straight
- he's the only one that ever gives me meat bones
- I can totally get away with sitting on the couch when he's over
-

huh . . . I thought there'd be more. . . . Anyway- one final dedication:

On New Servises

2007-08-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of adding a "product review" element to my blog. I realize a lot of other dogs probably look up to me so they would more than likely appreciate hearing what I think about various squeaky toys, water bowls, liver treats, peanut butter treats, stuffed hedgehogs, beds, etc. But the problem is that in order to test out these products, I need to have access to them. Since we all know my parents aren't gonna be buying me any extras, I think I'm gonna have to start looking for sponsors. . .

I'd like to start by approaching the Gizmodo company. Feel free to send me a few different sizes of your product. I want to make sure I do a full and complete product review, so as to ensure my reputation as a well-respected and trusted product reviewer, a real professional.

On Appropriate Oversites

2007-08-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

Grandpa sent "the Fam" a little package the other day, and I was pleased to see that he too does not really recognize Morgan as a full-fledged family member.
If you take a look at his signature at the bottom of the note,
you'll see that he acknowledges everybody except Morgan,

Love you both, & "T" too!
Love, Dad

Yep, looks like 3 of us were wished well, but he probably realizes that Morgan is just here on a temporary basis (like I've always suspected) so there's really no reason to waste energy on loving her.

My kinda guy, that Grandpa is!

--TKO

On Real Debaits

2007-08-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

I pointed out earlier how silly the Democrats are with their talking snowmen and virtual questions and now it's time for me to review a real debate: The Republican Iowa Debate. Now this, this is a real debate, where men come to battle (notice they didn't even let a girl on the stage), they don't mince words, and they all know that being a liberal is one small step away from being a criminal.

So if I had to vote today who would I vote for? I'll put them in order for you.

1. Mitt Romeny. Guys seriously I'm having doggy dreams about Reagan being back in the White House. It would be glorious. The one draw back is he and my weird hippy liberal parents share the same religion. He could be on some liberal slippery slop that I'm not fully aware of. I'll be keeping a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't progress in the wrong direction.

2. Mayor Giuliani. He saved New York people! The man has heart and soul, but his daughter is a little out of control. A man who can't control his women is slightly more suspect than a man that shares a religion with my liberal parents.

3. Fred Thompson. His wife is smoking hot. And it would be kind of like having an older Reagan in the white house.

4. John McCain. I like how he won't back down from Iraq. I know that place is crawling with terrorist and we need to stay there to keep the place sane. We've seen how well a hard-nosed-no-budging type of personality works in the White House (God Bless President Bush); I'm sure we could use another eight years of that type of bliss. On the negative side I'm still a little miffed that he didn't seem to be on board with Bush's plans all the time. Plus his wife isn't smoking hot.

--TKO

On Babys

2007-08-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

I was reading my mom's blog tonight and saw that she shared a little story about an interaction between myself and Catcher, a 3-year old relative in attendance at this family reunion I've been posting about.

Tatanka didn't want to play with him, and told him so by snapping at him. He didn't incur any physical injury but when Amber was asking him if he had any ouchies, he pointed to his heart. Then the next day he pointed to Tatanka and told Holly "That's the dog that bwoke my hawat"

I know everyone's probably like, "ohhh- that's soooo cute", and "oh, how sad for sweet little Catcher" and "oh, that Tatanka is such a brat" but let me point out some things my negligent mother didn't:

1) Kids can be cruel. I mean look at this other one that was also there- how am I supposed to know she's not just gonna start pulling my tail and poking my eyes out! People under 3 and a half feet can't be trusted.

2) He kinda deserved it. Look at this picture of Catcher trying to get with my lady- I think I made it perfectly clear in the last post that she was with me. I mean, nobody saw her asking Catcher to lotion up her back. . .

3) That toy totally looks just like one of mine that I haven't seen in a while. Kinda suspect, don't you think?
4) And finally, what a baby! When I was 3, I had already learned about the art of fighting back, and certainly didn't go around tattling on everybody. Oh, and learn to spell!

--TKO

On Life Gaurding Perks

2007-08-02T00:57:00.000-07:00

I have to be honest about my self-appointed job as life guard that I told you all about the other day. While it is important to me to keep law and order while people are swimming, being life guard also has the perk of getting to put sun tan lotion on all the hotties' backs.
Awe Ye-ah!

-TKO

On Family Reyunyons

2007-07-31T23:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while because we were out of town at a Family Reunion this past weekend, and then it took me a few days to rest up after the hard work of the weekend.
First of all, some background. This is the "family":
I say "family" because there were 27 people there, many of whom I didn't know I was related to, and 11 dogs there, most of whom I know I wasn't related to. . . .I mean come on! ME related to a floppy, friendly, giddy, golden retriever . . . . riiiight.
Anyway, even though I was pretty sure there was no relation between myself and most of these other dogs, I still played it safe. See, I was trying to get with this one older bitch there- I forget her name- Katie or Kathy or something, but then I remembered Grandma's Sex Ed class- you can't do it with family. I mean this girl was like 3rd cousin once removed or something, but still, I don't need any babies with 6 paws.
Anyway, I expected the Family Reunions to be nice and relaxing but it turns out I had to work pretty much the whole time. When we got to the pool I noticed there was no life guard on duty, and being the responsible citizen I am, I took the job upon myself. But those kids can do some pretty crazy things and I had to do more than my average share of patrolling.

Later, I guess somebody complained about my particular approach to life guarding and so my mom tried to hold me back, but it's gonna take a lot more than that for me to keep my mouth shut about the right and wrong way to swim.

-TKO

On Debait

2007-07-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

So the democrats are wasting their time and breath again. It's hard to imagine listening to all these liberal clones to begin with, but now they've even gone further:

The debate featured questions submitted to the online video community YouTube and screened by the all-news cable TV network. A talking snowman, two rednecks and a woman speaking from her bathroom were among the odd, Internet-age twists to the oldest forum in politics — a debate.

Seriously, a talking dog is one thing but a talking snowman? WTH? (Mom is it okay if I say WTH? It means What The Heck, BTW. BTW means By The Way, FYI. FYI means For Your Information. I'm breaking this all down for you because I know some of my readers are older and not as Internet savvy as I am.) Back to my point. A talking snowman? If my parents would have let me setup my web cam like I wanted I would have asked: "Why do you guys all suck?" or "which one of you hate America the most? please don't dodge the question." or "Which is better: destroying a stuffed hedgehog or stealing your sister's bone?" These are important questions that need to be answered and once answered would obviously show the whole world that none of these yahoos are worth voting for.

I can't wait till the next republican debate, now that's something worth watching.

--TKO

On HawHawHaw

2007-07-19T22:18:00.001-07:00

Uncle Jason was here visiting recently, and him and my dad were playing some video games. My mom took this great picture of the 3 of us guys getting our PS2 NBA Allstars on.
(not sure why I'm the only one who knows you're supposed to look at the camera when somebody's taking a picture).

Anyway, after seeing the picture, it reminded me that I'd seen something very similar to it before. So I went looking through the old photo albums, and sure enough, I found almost the exact same picture of Dad and Uncle Jason playing video games in the early 90s.
HaHaHaHa. Oh Man, look at that- they both have mullets. This is too funny. And my dad- he doesn't even have any hair on his chest there. (I totally had hair on my chest by the time I was 14). And is he wearing a bathrobe?! HaHaHa. I mean, there's nothing funny about a player like myself wearing a bathrobe, but my dad looks ridiculous! Oh Man- good times.

-TKO

On "The U.S. vs. John Lemon"

2007-07-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

My parents rented this movie tonight. Now THAT was one tree hugging liberal hippie. I mean, I think he was, I'm not sure because the thing was actually so boring I fell asleep about five minutes into it. I woke up once and heard everyone singing "give peace a chance." It confirmed my suspicion that I wasn't missing anything.

Afterwards my mom was noting some simulatories between our current glorious President and Mr. Nixon. I don't know much about Mr. Nixon but I'm interested in learning more now that I know he's a lot like my boy Mr. Bush.

--TKO

On Slumber Partys

2007-07-17T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys,

Remember how I told you that the Democrats are lame? Well they're at it again (will they ever stop?) They're spending our--well maybe just your--hard-earned tax dollars on a slumber party!

Before I go on I think I should clarify something here. I'd totally pay taxes if the government would take my money, just like I'd sign up for the Army if they'd take me. There is this whole "dogs can't be citizens" thing I'm trying to work out.

Back to my point. Hey Harry, who's paying for that cot you're sleeping on? That's right--the American people. We shouldn't stand for this sort of waste. If they'd let me on the Senate floor I'd totally gnaw his leg off, right at the knee cap. Anyway, knowing the Democrats they're probably going to stay up all night watching sissy movies like Life is Beautiful and Mary Poppins. Whatever guys, if I was going to have a slumber party we'd watch Predator (that movie was actually based on me), Full Metal Jacket and the first three Rocky and Rambo (also loosely based on my life) movies.

--TKO

On Freekie Sisters

2007-07-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

I don't want to get myself fired from blogging for making comments about some girls' hair, but still, my parents brushed Morgan the other night and . . . . freaky!
I stayed a safe distance away
both out of fear that something might jump out of that pile and give me a disease, and because there's no way I'm letting my parents use that brush on me. Can you imagine!? If they were do the same to me, I'd be hairless.

-TKO

On Not Overwait

2007-07-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

As rude as it is, my weight has been a popular topic of discussion lately.

Firstly, I recently needed reassurance after my parents had gotten in the hurtful habit of referring to me as "fatty fat fat", and then you'll remember that my mom tried to embarrass me by making it look like I weighted 20lbs!!. Well, most recently, they've been pulling and prodding at my neck and exclaiming to each other, "look at all this"!!
Please let it be clarified and recorded here, that I was weighed during a trip to the vet last week and not only was it confirmed that I weigh a healthy 15 lbs, but the doctor also said my neck size is completely genetic, and echoed that of any healthy pug. And what she didn't say, but I could tell she was thinking, was that I should consider being both a model, and a spokesperson for doggie dieting.
So there you have it.

-TKO

On David Leterman

2007-07-12T22:47:00.000-07:00

I've discovered the secret. . .
and now I shall use it to send my desire out to the universe (aka: the world wide web) And my desire is: To Get on LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN.

And I'm depending on you guys, my readers, to make it happen.

As a canine living in San Francisco, my access to agents, New York, and the world of television in general, is somewhat limited. So do what you must, but I will be on Letterman.

As a reward for the first person to get me in contact with Dave, I will post a picture of YOU, 72 dpi, ON MY BLOG!

-TKO

On Owed to Clark

2007-07-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm Tonk ya'll, Tonk ya'll, TonkityTonkTonk.

-TKO

On Campeen, and Mariage reconsiduration

2007-07-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

It's not often I get to post about a whole weekends travel since my parents are lame and rarely take me on vacation. But this time, since it was camping at Mirabel Trailer Park, and since I'm not a pit bull (Mirabel rules), I got to go.

When we started out I was a little mad that Betsy brought her new "fiance" Steve- kinda like all "in your face Tatanka" but I don't really care any more. I'm over her, and Steve is cool. At first I was still a little bitter so I tried to trip him
but then he took me on a canoe ride.
While this isn't exactly my idea of a good time, he made it really fun by steering Betsy straight into a spider-filled tree!!! HAHAHAHA!
She screamed and yelled like girls do and that's when I really started to like Steve. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's still a tree-hugging hippie, but at least he knows how to rough a girl up a little. He pretended like he didn't do it on purpose, but yeah right, whatever. . .
Anyway, I got a pretty good kick out of that:
So by this time I was starting to just kick back and enjoy the ride
But then my mom and Betsy were doing some crazy maneuver and the canoe capsized. I was pretty upset about that . . . not cause I was scared or anything but because it got my new cowboy scarf all wet (cowboys don't get scared, btw). And my mom's $3000 camera went in the water. I felt bad and all (Remember my Bush doll mom?- I totally understand) but the girls really became a little too much to handle at that point. One of them started crying, then the other one . . . and then Steve and I were like, GAG- Shut up already. So yeah, me and him are cool now.

To sum it up, I got lots of table scraps, got to lay in the sun and take naps, got to bark at other passers-by, got to sleep on Nate's pillow;
All and all, it was a great trip. My only complaint, or suggestion rather, is that we maybe go somewhere without water next time. Again, not scared- I just think it's boring. Like here in these videos of all the dogs swimming, mine is only half as long as the other ones just cause I think it's a lame activity, and you'll see how stupid Morgan and Milo looked!

And I don't even want to give my parents the chance to try getting me into one of these.
Yeah, camping without water is just a better idea. I'M NOT SCARED, OKAY! I'd just rather play a more American sport- like football, or wrestling.
Oh, and maybe camping at a place where there aren't so many suspect people is a better idea too. Like when this guy came over to "help us" take a group photo
I can spot a lying liberal a mile away. That guy was totally just trying to steal our camera, and I'm pretty sure he would have had he not been scared out of the idea by my fierce barking.
Speaking of fierce, I got in a bit of a fight with Milo that morning but it was before 11pm, so I don't see what everyone was freaking out about (also a Mirabel rule).

Anyway, good times. Although I was relieved to be back home and resting on my nice velvety pillows I'm not supposed to be on.

-TKO

On Mariage

2007-07-06T00:10:00.001-07:00

Wait a second! Hold on! How did this happen? Betsy, my love, is that guy even American? He looks like he might be Mexican. He's not using you for a Green Card is he?

I'd only use you for kibble.

--TKO

On Best Day of the Yere

2007-07-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

As predicted, I could hardly fall asleep last night. The anticipation was just too powerful; I finally just got up and tried on my outfit for today. I thought maybe if I got that bit of excitement out of my system I might be able to relax a little better.

I have this scarf:
which is a pretty sweet outfit in and of itself, but I was trying to decide if I should maybe mix it up a little. While it's hard to look bad in anything with the American flag on it, I thought it might work even better as a Cape!
I think I look a little like a real American Hero- straight out of a comic book. But I couldn't decide if I would have people call me Captain Tatanka, or Superflagman.
So then I thought maybe I'd go for the tough guy look and wear it as a bandana
In the end I couldn't decide. I went back to bed and finally fell asleep.
In the morning I realized that it didn't really matter how I wore it because no matter what I was still gonna look better than my stupid sister who didn't even have the decency to put on a freakin' flag-motif collar or something.
Why don't you just go ahead and burn the flag while you're at it Morgan! (The lack of respect these days just kills me).

So anyway, it was a pretty great 4th. Friends, BBQ, Wayne gave me a real meat bone, rolling in stuff in the backyard, Lee Greenwood playing in the background. . .
- God Bless America!

TKO

On Forth of July Eve

2007-07-03T23:57:00.000-07:00

A lot of people get really excited for Christmas Eve, which is understandable--it is pretty exciting to think about God coming down your chimney to leaving you sweet greenies and brand new hedgehogs. But for me, this is the day I try to go to bed early but can't sleep so I start counting red, white and blue flags jumping over a fence. Tomorrow is the 4th of July, greatest holiday ever invented. I hope you're all prepared to celebrate! I might go out and buy a Hummer to celebrate (thanks for the idea Jed). But seriously, I was only driving that hybrid because my lame liberal parents won't buy anything else. As soon as I start making serious money on this blog I'm totally getting a Hummer (no, not like Clinton). Imagine it people: me sitting in the drivers seat of a Hummer, one huge giantist American flag on each side, Bush bumper stickers, oh man, I'm never falling asleep tonight.

God Bless America

--TKO

On LOL Kats

2007-07-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

So there's apparently this new rage with . . . cats, of all the despicably lame creatures, where people write witty little misspelled captions on pictures of cats.
I wasn't sure why everyone thought they were sooo cute and soooo funny. I mean, com'on- do you guys actually think these are clever? Or these? O.K. Maybe A LITTLE BIT, but still, I was pretty sure I could do much better and it turns out I was right.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, am I funny sometimes.

-TKO

On Wok the Tok

2007-06-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

You know, I was just thinking, Hudson pretended to be a really tough guy- ripping Skeeter apart and all, but he totally was too scared to even go down our stairs
(wuss)
I'm just saying, you can't be the real deal if you're only willing to rip things apart when it's all safe and sound around, but not live on the edge a little and walk down some stairs. Granted, his legs are about 2 inches long and his body about 32 inches long, which might change one's perception of a steep set of stairs, but still, you gotta walk the walk buddy.

-TKO

On More Howseguests

2007-06-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

I recognize that I just in my most resent post forgave the last house guest, but there is a new one staying with us and he's making me think that maybe house guests in general just aren't a good idea. . . or probably forgiveness either, for that matter.

This time the offense wasn't nearly as big as it was last time. Last time the guest (who shall remain nameless since I did in theory forgive Milo) was the cause of my dearly beloved Mr. Bush doll's insides being ripped out. I've had Mr. Bush for a really long time, since April to be exact, and he was very dear to me.

This time, our visitor Hudson- Grandma's son /Addie's brother- attempted a similar stunt on "Skeeter".
Skeeter is just this dumb stuffed squirrel that my mom has had for over 25 years. I mean, granted he was supposedly "really special" and she got him when she "was 4 years old", and she sleeps with him every single night, but I'm just saying, it's not like it was Mr. Bush. But all the same, it was pretty messed up of Hudson.
Looks like there were two main injuries. First, he was unfortunately scalped:
And second, there were two big puncture wounds:
I'm a little wigged out though because I've never seen entrails like that. Shouldn't there just be cotton inside? Why is the squirrel made of fenugreek? Anyway, not really the point here. The point is that I think house guests are not really that useful. . . . nor is Morgan. She should probably leave too before another one of mine or mom's toys is no more.

-TKO

On Foregiving

2007-06-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

I've decided I'm ready to make nice with Milo. Maybe you remember that while guesting at my house a few weeks ago, he made himself just a little too comfortable with my Mr. Bush doll. Well, he made up for it with something that could possibly be even better than a Mr. Bush doll- A Mrs. Clinton VooDoo doll.
If you think about it, there's only one thing that's better than supporting and loving your heroes, and that's destroying and hurting your enemies. (My party has long been a shining example of this technique.) So even though I loved to lay next to Mr. Bush and lick his boots, I think grabbing Hillary by the jugular and shaking might be even more cathartic. . . (Fine motor skills, like holding needles in exact locations, are not my strong point- grabbing and shaking are much more effective for me).

- TKO

On Unglee

2007-06-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

So I've been keeping a close eye on this years "world's ugliest dog contest." I sent in some photos of Morgan thinking she could win. Well the results are in and apparently she isn't ugly enough. Actually I think maybe this guy cheated cause he's not that ugly (especially compared to my stupid sister).

On Stem Sells

2007-06-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

Those crazy democrats are at it again. Luckily my boy is staying strong.

-- TKO

On sheats

2007-06-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

Whenever my parents leave the house they cover up the couch with a sheet.

Morgan and I aren't actually allowed on the couch, so they used to leave it off assuming that we followed the rules while they were gone, but they somehow figured out that we'd been getting on it.
(like the paw prints, that could have been anyones hair/fur, maybe my moms- she's kinda dirty blond like me. Or maybe Morgan's, except her hair is all nappy, so they probably knew it wasn't hers).

So anyway, they've resorted to covering the couch before each departure. But the sheet really bothers me. I have sensitive skin on my underside and it needs to touch only the finest of material. The couch cushions are velvet, and while I prefer Baby Alpaca, the velvet is still better than that lame sheet. So I am forced to do the only thing I can do which is dig at the sheet once my parents have left to get to the softer cushions.

It would be one thing if they were like 100 thread count sheets, but no, these are like some Target brand 2-count piece of garbage! Thanks guys- why don't you just go ahead and lay down a piece of scrap metal for me to lay on!! geez.

So I get yelled at a lot because when they come home the couch usually looks like this
but I've got needs.

--TKO

On Inspurational Continued

2007-06-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

Motely has given credit where credit is due. I love that guy. If anyone else wants to tell a story about how I've inspired you please feel free to leave a comment here.

On Almost Perfekt

2007-06-13T23:09:00.001-07:00

Tonight was almost perfect. You see, I love Le Petit Ecolier cookies.
Actually, to be perfectly honest, I'd never had them before, but I did tonight, and I love them.
Sometimes my mom can be kinda absent minded (left wingers are like that) but it worked out to my advantage tonight b/c she left a box of these cookies at ground level, and that can only mean one thing: Fair Game.
Oh what heaven. 5.3 ounces of cookies all for me. Well, almost. Unfortunately I was so happy with this find that in the excitement I forgot I was being sneaky and accidentally ran downstairs mid-feast to where my parents were. They found me with half a cookie in my mouth and marched upstairs to confiscate my goldmine.
The tragic part, the part that keeps this evening from being perfect, is the fact that I still had one cookie left.
So Lame.
Then things just went downhill from there. They yelled and scolded and said they needed to weigh me to see how much medicine to give me, and as if it's not humiliating enough to have other people stand around while you're on the scale,
My mom with her camera trickery made it look like I weigh way more than I actually do.
I'm totally only 15 pounds guys- a lean mean 15 pounds of solid muscle. Don't even worry that that looks like 20.

--TKO

On Witnesess

2007-06-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

I received a piece of mail the other day. I suppose technically it was for everyone that lives here- the envelope was addressed to "our neighbor"- but since Morgan will probably be moving out anytime, and since I saw it first, I think that makes it mostly mine.

Turns out it was a letter from our Jehovah's Witness neighbors. Even though it was really only meant for me, and it's kinda personal, I've decided to share it with you.

Now I'm all for the cause of the good American Christian, but this particular sect doesn't seem to have enough good hellfire and damnation talk. They talk a lot about ridding the earth of evil, but they seem to be misguided as to the right way to do it. They say nothing of cleansing by sword, but only that the meek will reign. Sorry guys, but it sounds like you hired a hippie or a Quaker to do your Bible interpreting. BUT, on the upside they do meet in the KINGdom hall, which sounds like an approrpriate sort of place for me.

While I have been wondering where to look for certain answers ever since Jerry's death, I'm not quite THAT confused. Looks like I'm gonna have to stick with the true church.

-- TKO

On Branding Strategeez

2007-06-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

TKO

Tatanka Kessler, Obviously

On Howseguests II

2007-06-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

I also hate the fact that he got cake and I didn't.

On Howseguests

2007-06-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

This weekend Milo is staying with us. You know Milo, he's been on my blog before. Anyway, I don't want to complain but today he went too far. To recap: I don't mind that he poops on pads:

Or that he spilt noodles all over my mom: (okay fine I was half to blame, but let's not play the blame game, okay):

And sure I'm fine if he wants to waste his time playing with my stupid sister:

But this morning I woke to this, the death of Mr. Bush:

All I had to do is follow the trail of blood to figure out who the culpurit was:

Milo was found at the scene of the crime chewing on Mr. Bushes heart:

On the one hand I'm impressed that his bleeding-heart liberal parents taught him that killing is a good way to handle political adversaries, but on the other hand NO ONE messes with Mr. Bush.

R.I.P Mr. Bush.

On Inspurational

2007-06-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

You guys may or may not believe this but I'm actually starting a little bit of a trend in the dog world. I know for a fact that Motely started his blog because he was inspired by my own lovely, funny, intelligent, insightful, rational, fair and balanced blog. You may doubt this since he doesn't actually give me props on his site but it's true none-the-less. I wonder if I've inspired any other dogs out there.