I got this email the other day, it's so great I wanted to share it with everyone. My commentary is in
red.
Evolution-101 -- It All Started Way Back When....
A beer-drinking conservative? Forwarded this…Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
Kind of a slow start but read on--it's worth it.The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
I thought domestication of the dog would be up there, but whatever.1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Now we're getting somewhere.Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
This was good news because then people were able to destroy whole villages. Before this they had to go about destroying one person/family at a time. Can you imagine the time that was wasted?Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservation movement.
I'll admit this was a little confusing; I thought the conservation movement was started by The Sierra Club and other liberals.Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecue's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
I could tell you stories about boring liberal BBQs... tufo, mushrooms, guys sitting around cross-stitching. It's just sickening.Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Truer words have never been spoken.Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
They were also instrumental in getting women the right to vote. That set the country back hundreds of years.Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Excellent point.Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Idiots.Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Other popular liberal jobs: bums, hobos, potheads, garbage men, terrorists, and college professors. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Of course that's only if their women do what they're told. I sent a response to the guy who forwarded this email to me; I asked him if women can even be conservative. It sounds like an oxymoron so I'm not certain that it's possible.Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, airmen, soldiers, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Other popular conservative jobs: anyone who makes over $100K a year, body-builders, and the creator of universe.Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
I so wish I would have been around to tame the Wild West. Try to imagine all of the Indians I could have killed. I would have been one of the most famous conservatives ever.Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
I immediately laughed and was convinced of the absolute truth of this email. I can't wait till the next lesson.
