Friday, December 29, 2006

On Sadam

Contrary to what some people think, the world's worst super villain is dead. I can feel freedom and democracy spreading throughout Iraq at this very moment. I think this pretty much ends the debate on whether or not we've won the war in Iraq. Long live Bush!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

On Choosing my Identidy

I've recently discovered that if I'm gonna make it in Hollywood I need to be a purebred. Since the Chug is not recognized as such at this point in history (for reasons that are beyond me) I need to decide how to market myself. I would appreciate some feedback as to whether you think I look more awesome as a Pug or as a Chihuahua.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

On Becoming Faemus

So, I've been looking into becoming a star. I figured the best place to start was to see how others similar to myself have done it. Oddly, I couldn't find any famous Chugs, so I had to back up and approach my search from one step less specific. Here's what I found:

So apparently you have to either:

- Have rich parents (like that's ever gonna happen),
- Be an alien (I kill aliens),
- Get fat (not with these fine genes I have that have given me this near-perfect physique),
- Or speak Spanish. . . vocally (I think we all know that English is the only language worth speaking- and I mean the American kind, not that stupid English kind).

And I'm seeing a pattern here- it seems Hollywood prefers Purebreds. . . . .

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

On Reinforcments

It's good to see that W is sticking to his guns. He knows, and I know, that this war is totally winable if we can just win it. Of course if we quit, cut and run, we're not going to win. I've actually got some pretty good ideas about how we can win, besides sending in more troops (which is obviously genius). I'm writing up a document I plan to email to the President. I'll give you guys a sneak peek.

1. Nuclear bombs. I don't think I need to explain this to you guys.
2. Send Chuck Norris and me in. This one is great because it's basically the same outcome as a nuclear bomb except without all the radiation; we could immediately move Americans in to start harvesting oil and power.
3. Send like 100 million Americans over there. They don't necessarily have to be combat units, but they defiantly should NOT be democrats. This would change the population dynamics, freedom would work itself out so much quicker if there were just more good red-blooded Americans over there setting shining examples.
4. Send Morgan over. This probably won't have a positive effect on the war but at least I'd be rid of her.
5. Increase CO2 output. Think about it, if so-called "global warming" is true then if we increase the temperature everywhere on earth by about 10 degrees people in the desert will be the first to really feel the effects. Everyone will move out of Iraq because it'll be like 10 billion degrees there. Then we can install homes with air conditioning and move Americans in to start harvesting oil and power.

That's all for now. Last thing I need is one of you yahoos taking all my ideas and claiming them as your own.

On "Left Beehind"

I think that it might be possible to have all my dreams come true for just $39.99 Unfortunately I didn't know about this when I was making my Christmas wish list, but you can go ahead and tack on a half dozen of these to that list. I am so relieved to have found out there is a game that pretty much embodies everything I believe in, and which will allow me to really utilize my god-given talents.

"Conduct physical & spiritual warfare : using the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world."

This is going to be so awesome. . . . that is unless some silly peace-loving activist who has nothing better to do with her (it's probably a girl) time gets this product taken off the shelves of the almighty Wal*mart. As hard as it is to imagine that a product this perfect and inspired would cause controversy, it looks like it has. I'm not even sure what her point is about "glorifying violence". But if something tragic does happen to this game's availability, you can still get me the collector's edition (it includes a Bible) for $59.99

Monday, December 18, 2006

On Stiks

My sister Morgan doesn't know how to play with sticks. We went to the beach the other day and she totally embarrassed me. I mean it might not have been as embarrassing as this lady doing some crazy dance on the beach (I almost had to bite her ankles off- she was seriously weird),
but still, Morgan was quite the embarrassment.
Like, for instance, what's she doing here?! Two-stepping with it for crying out loud!

And here I think she was scratching the inside of her mouth. Stupid.

I can't believe I have to show everybody how to do everything. . . So if you want to play with a stick right, first you need to stretch out- I like the limbo.
Then you need to grab it from whomever else might be using it at the time and steal it.
Then you look back at them crying and laugh a little.
Then you can get right to the point and pursue its destruction.
That is the proper way to play with a stick.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

On Chuck Noris

Ok, guys, normally I don't get this excited about anything (well besides treats and french poodles), but today I nearly did a back flip. I found out that not only does Chuck Norris have a blog but he's a Cultural Warrior too. Check this out. I'll give you guys some detailed analysis of his posts later. I don't think we Cultural Warriors have anything to worry about given we now have the world's (universe's) greatest warrior on our side. When I found his blog I almost decided to quit blogging, I mean, me and him probably are saying the exact same things. Don't worry about it though, I think I'm in it for the long haul.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

On 2008

It's never too early to start thinking about how the Republicans will win the next Presidential election (I may have borrowed that line from Sean Hannity). Here's the first poll I've discovered and my opinions on the candidates.

Giuliani 34% - The man who rebuilt New York. You have to love this guy, if you don't I'll bite your kneecaps off.
McCain 26% - I understand he's a war hero but he seriously needs to follow Bush's orders more.
Gingrich 12% - Love this guy, not sure why he's not doing so well.
Romney 5% - Who's this guy?

Clinton 39% - Oh man, do people know that Clinton is a girl? Can you imagine?
Obama 17% - Sounds like a terrorist, 17% of the country wants to elect a terrorist as President.
Edwards 12% - Didn't he already lose once? Come on!
Gore 10% - This guy too?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

On Chrismas II

I've finished my Christmas shopping for this year. Everyone is getting one of these books.

Monday, December 11, 2006

On Coperating

Today my parents tried to teach me a new word: cooperate. I've got no idea what it means. I think they may be trying to instill some sort of dumb liberal values in me. I got the whole thing on video in case I need to sue my parents for abuse.

The evidence:

Sunday, December 10, 2006

On To Busy

Sorry I've been a little slow on the posts the last few days. I spent all day baking cookies and cleaning house. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get back on track.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

On Chrismas

So apparently the new bathroom is temporary, and a Christmas tree. It's a shame, but in that vain I've come up with my Christmas Wish List.

Missile Launcher
A new home for Morgan
To meet the President
More Power
"Chug Life" Tattoo
A gold front
2 Poodles, twins preferably
A platinum tooth
Indoor plumbing
A Chuck Norris
New stuffed hedgehog
One million dollars
10 minute death match with Cesar Millan
Things to destroy

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

On Arested Development

We've been watching a lot of TV lately (which these liberal yahoos wouldn't let me do for the longest time, but that's a story for another day). Anyway, we've all kind of fallen in love with Arrested Development. We sit on the couch and watch it as a family. I don't want to break it to the family but I think the Rita character is based on my sister Morgan, she's beautiful and retarded. Plus, the only reason some people hang out with her is because they feel sorry for her.

Monday, December 04, 2006

On moore plumming

This is too good to be true. Check this out. They've decorated my bathroom.
I'm not sure it's the decor I would have gone for- I'm much more of a Southwestern Motif kind-a-guy, or maybe I would have done it all in American flags, but whatever. I'm still pretty pleased that these people are finally recognizing I deserve a little bit of luxury of my own. You people just don't know how good you have it what with being able to take care of business in warm and dry places all the time. I wonder if I could get Morgan to wipe my butt. . . .

Sunday, December 03, 2006

On Indoor Plumming

I can't tell you how great today was. We finally got indoor plumbing! No more going outside to take care of number one and number two. It was a surprise to me, I didn't expect to ever move into the 20th century while living with these backward liberals.

Here's a picture of the new bathroom: