Tuesday, July 31, 2007

On Family Reyunyons

I haven't posted in a while because we were out of town at a Family Reunion this past weekend, and then it took me a few days to rest up after the hard work of the weekend.
First of all, some background. This is the "family":
I say "family" because there were 27 people there, many of whom I didn't know I was related to, and 11 dogs there, most of whom I know I wasn't related to. . . .I mean come on! ME related to a floppy, friendly, giddy, golden retriever . . . . riiiight.
Anyway, even though I was pretty sure there was no relation between myself and most of these other dogs, I still played it safe. See, I was trying to get with this one older bitch there- I forget her name- Katie or Kathy or something, but then I remembered Grandma's Sex Ed class- you can't do it with family. I mean this girl was like 3rd cousin once removed or something, but still, I don't need any babies with 6 paws.
Anyway, I expected the Family Reunions to be nice and relaxing but it turns out I had to work pretty much the whole time. When we got to the pool I noticed there was no life guard on duty, and being the responsible citizen I am, I took the job upon myself. But those kids can do some pretty crazy things and I had to do more than my average share of patrolling.

Later, I guess somebody complained about my particular approach to life guarding and so my mom tried to hold me back, but it's gonna take a lot more than that for me to keep my mouth shut about the right and wrong way to swim.


Tuesday, July 24, 2007

On Debait

So the democrats are wasting their time and breath again. It's hard to imagine listening to all these liberal clones to begin with, but now they've even gone further:

The debate featured questions submitted to the online video community YouTube and screened by the all-news cable TV network. A talking snowman, two rednecks and a woman speaking from her bathroom were among the odd, Internet-age twists to the oldest forum in politics — a debate.
Seriously, a talking dog is one thing but a talking snowman? WTH? (Mom is it okay if I say WTH? It means What The Heck, BTW. BTW means By The Way, FYI. FYI means For Your Information. I'm breaking this all down for you because I know some of my readers are older and not as Internet savvy as I am.) Back to my point. A talking snowman? If my parents would have let me setup my web cam like I wanted I would have asked: "Why do you guys all suck?" or "which one of you hate America the most? please don't dodge the question." or "Which is better: destroying a stuffed hedgehog or stealing your sister's bone?" These are important questions that need to be answered and once answered would obviously show the whole world that none of these yahoos are worth voting for.

I can't wait till the next republican debate, now that's something worth watching.


Thursday, July 19, 2007

On HawHawHaw

Uncle Jason was here visiting recently, and him and my dad were playing some video games. My mom took this great picture of the 3 of us guys getting our PS2 NBA Allstars on.
(not sure why I'm the only one who knows you're supposed to look at the camera when somebody's taking a picture).

Anyway, after seeing the picture, it reminded me that I'd seen something very similar to it before. So I went looking through the old photo albums, and sure enough, I found almost the exact same picture of Dad and Uncle Jason playing video games in the early 90s.
HaHaHaHa. Oh Man, look at that- they both have mullets. This is too funny. And my dad- he doesn't even have any hair on his chest there. (I totally had hair on my chest by the time I was 14). And is he wearing a bathrobe?! HaHaHa. I mean, there's nothing funny about a player like myself wearing a bathrobe, but my dad looks ridiculous! Oh Man- good times.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

On "The U.S. vs. John Lemon"

My parents rented this movie tonight. Now THAT was one tree hugging liberal hippie. I mean, I think he was, I'm not sure because the thing was actually so boring I fell asleep about five minutes into it. I woke up once and heard everyone singing "give peace a chance." It confirmed my suspicion that I wasn't missing anything.

Afterwards my mom was noting some simulatories between our current glorious President and Mr. Nixon. I don't know much about Mr. Nixon but I'm interested in learning more now that I know he's a lot like my boy Mr. Bush.


Tuesday, July 17, 2007

On Slumber Partys

Hi Guys,

Remember how I told you that the Democrats are lame? Well they're at it again (will they ever stop?) They're spending our--well maybe just your--hard-earned tax dollars on a slumber party!

Before I go on I think I should clarify something here. I'd totally pay taxes if the government would take my money, just like I'd sign up for the Army if they'd take me. There is this whole "dogs can't be citizens" thing I'm trying to work out.

Back to my point. Hey Harry, who's paying for that cot you're sleeping on? That's right--the American people. We shouldn't stand for this sort of waste. If they'd let me on the Senate floor I'd totally gnaw his leg off, right at the knee cap. Anyway, knowing the Democrats they're probably going to stay up all night watching sissy movies like Life is Beautiful and Mary Poppins. Whatever guys, if I was going to have a slumber party we'd watch Predator (that movie was actually based on me), Full Metal Jacket and the first three Rocky and Rambo (also loosely based on my life) movies.


Monday, July 16, 2007

On Freekie Sisters

I don't want to get myself fired from blogging for making comments about some girls' hair, but still, my parents brushed Morgan the other night and . . . . freaky!
I stayed a safe distance away
both out of fear that something might jump out of that pile and give me a disease, and because there's no way I'm letting my parents use that brush on me. Can you imagine!? If they were do the same to me, I'd be hairless.


Sunday, July 15, 2007

On Not Overwait

As rude as it is, my weight has been a popular topic of discussion lately.

Firstly, I recently needed reassurance after my parents had gotten in the hurtful habit of referring to me as "fatty fat fat", and then you'll remember that my mom tried to embarrass me by making it look like I weighted 20lbs!!. Well, most recently, they've been pulling and prodding at my neck and exclaiming to each other, "look at all this"!!
Please let it be clarified and recorded here, that I was weighed during a trip to the vet last week and not only was it confirmed that I weigh a healthy 15 lbs, but the doctor also said my neck size is completely genetic, and echoed that of any healthy pug. And what she didn't say, but I could tell she was thinking, was that I should consider being both a model, and a spokesperson for doggie dieting.
So there you have it.


Thursday, July 12, 2007

On David Leterman

I've discovered the secret. . .
and now I shall use it to send my desire out to the universe (aka: the world wide web) And my desire is: To Get on LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN.

And I'm depending on you guys, my readers, to make it happen.

As a canine living in San Francisco, my access to agents, New York, and the world of television in general, is somewhat limited. So do what you must, but I will be on Letterman.

As a reward for the first person to get me in contact with Dave, I will post a picture of YOU, 72 dpi, ON MY BLOG!


Tuesday, July 10, 2007

On Owed to Clark

I'm Tonk ya'll, Tonk ya'll, TonkityTonkTonk.


Sunday, July 08, 2007

On Campeen, and Mariage reconsiduration

It's not often I get to post about a whole weekends travel since my parents are lame and rarely take me on vacation. But this time, since it was camping at Mirabel Trailer Park, and since I'm not a pit bull (Mirabel rules), I got to go.

When we started out I was a little mad that Betsy brought her new "fiance" Steve- kinda like all "in your face Tatanka" but I don't really care any more. I'm over her, and Steve is cool. At first I was still a little bitter so I tried to trip him
but then he took me on a canoe ride.
While this isn't exactly my idea of a good time, he made it really fun by steering Betsy straight into a spider-filled tree!!! HAHAHAHA!
She screamed and yelled like girls do and that's when I really started to like Steve. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's still a tree-hugging hippie, but at least he knows how to rough a girl up a little. He pretended like he didn't do it on purpose, but yeah right, whatever. . .
Anyway, I got a pretty good kick out of that:
So by this time I was starting to just kick back and enjoy the ride
But then my mom and Betsy were doing some crazy maneuver and the canoe capsized. I was pretty upset about that . . . not cause I was scared or anything but because it got my new cowboy scarf all wet (cowboys don't get scared, btw). And my mom's $3000 camera went in the water. I felt bad and all (Remember my Bush doll mom?- I totally understand) but the girls really became a little too much to handle at that point. One of them started crying, then the other one . . . and then Steve and I were like, GAG- Shut up already. So yeah, me and him are cool now.

To sum it up, I got lots of table scraps, got to lay in the sun and take naps, got to bark at other passers-by, got to sleep on Nate's pillow;
All and all, it was a great trip. My only complaint, or suggestion rather, is that we maybe go somewhere without water next time. Again, not scared- I just think it's boring. Like here in these videos of all the dogs swimming, mine is only half as long as the other ones just cause I think it's a lame activity, and you'll see how stupid Morgan and Milo looked!

And I don't even want to give my parents the chance to try getting me into one of these.
Yeah, camping without water is just a better idea. I'M NOT SCARED, OKAY! I'd just rather play a more American sport- like football, or wrestling.
Oh, and maybe camping at a place where there aren't so many suspect people is a better idea too. Like when this guy came over to "help us" take a group photo
I can spot a lying liberal a mile away. That guy was totally just trying to steal our camera, and I'm pretty sure he would have had he not been scared out of the idea by my fierce barking.
Speaking of fierce, I got in a bit of a fight with Milo that morning but it was before 11pm, so I don't see what everyone was freaking out about (also a Mirabel rule).

Anyway, good times. Although I was relieved to be back home and resting on my nice velvety pillows I'm not supposed to be on.


Friday, July 06, 2007

On Mariage

Wait a second! Hold on! How did this happen? Betsy, my love, is that guy even American? He looks like he might be Mexican. He's not using you for a Green Card is he?

I'd only use you for kibble.


Wednesday, July 04, 2007

On Best Day of the Yere

As predicted, I could hardly fall asleep last night. The anticipation was just too powerful; I finally just got up and tried on my outfit for today. I thought maybe if I got that bit of excitement out of my system I might be able to relax a little better.

I have this scarf:
which is a pretty sweet outfit in and of itself, but I was trying to decide if I should maybe mix it up a little. While it's hard to look bad in anything with the American flag on it, I thought it might work even better as a Cape!
I think I look a little like a real American Hero- straight out of a comic book. But I couldn't decide if I would have people call me Captain Tatanka, or Superflagman.
So then I thought maybe I'd go for the tough guy look and wear it as a bandana
In the end I couldn't decide. I went back to bed and finally fell asleep.
In the morning I realized that it didn't really matter how I wore it because no matter what I was still gonna look better than my stupid sister who didn't even have the decency to put on a freakin' flag-motif collar or something.
Why don't you just go ahead and burn the flag while you're at it Morgan! (The lack of respect these days just kills me).

So anyway, it was a pretty great 4th. Friends, BBQ, Wayne gave me a real meat bone, rolling in stuff in the backyard, Lee Greenwood playing in the background. . .
- God Bless America!


Tuesday, July 03, 2007

On Forth of July Eve

A lot of people get really excited for Christmas Eve, which is understandable--it is pretty exciting to think about God coming down your chimney to leaving you sweet greenies and brand new hedgehogs. But for me, this is the day I try to go to bed early but can't sleep so I start counting red, white and blue flags jumping over a fence. Tomorrow is the 4th of July, greatest holiday ever invented. I hope you're all prepared to celebrate! I might go out and buy a Hummer to celebrate (thanks for the idea Jed). But seriously, I was only driving that hybrid because my lame liberal parents won't buy anything else. As soon as I start making serious money on this blog I'm totally getting a Hummer (no, not like Clinton). Imagine it people: me sitting in the drivers seat of a Hummer, one huge giantist American flag on each side, Bush bumper stickers, oh man, I'm never falling asleep tonight.

God Bless America


Sunday, July 01, 2007

On LOL Kats

So there's apparently this new rage with . . . cats, of all the despicably lame creatures, where people write witty little misspelled captions on pictures of cats.
I wasn't sure why everyone thought they were sooo cute and soooo funny. I mean, com'on- do you guys actually think these are clever? Or these? O.K. Maybe A LITTLE BIT, but still, I was pretty sure I could do much better and it turns out I was right.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, am I funny sometimes.