Wednesday, February 28, 2007

On Cloce-ups

I think I might have come to another hurdle in my acting career; it turns out that close-ups make me a little nervous.
I was making this video so Hollywood could see what a ferocious bone-chewer I am- maybe land me a role in some sort of "Destroyer" movie, but about a third of the way in, the camera just got way too close for comfort. I think I recovered well and ended strong, but it's a bit of a hiccup I'll have to overcome.

Monday, February 26, 2007

On The Oskars

I'm not sure who Addie paid off to get her . . . kind on to the Academy Awards stage last night, but whatever; I think we all know I'll be up there soon enough, and not as some silly sidekick of "the Queen", but as the star himself.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

On Acting Lessens

Since my head shots haven't yet garnered the hoped for attention from Hollywood, I've decided to be a bit more pro-active with pursuing my future on the big screen. I enrolled in some acting classes, and not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm a bit of a natural:

I'm thinking that the action and crime genres are probably the best match for my skill set.

Friday, February 23, 2007

On Evilution

I got this email the other day, it's so great I wanted to share it with everyone. My commentary is in red.

Evolution-101 -- It All Started Way Back When....
A beer-drinking conservative? Forwarded this…

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
Kind of a slow start but read on--it's worth it.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
I thought domestication of the dog would be up there, but whatever.

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Now we're getting somewhere.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
This was good news because then people were able to destroy whole villages. Before this they had to go about destroying one person/family at a time. Can you imagine the time that was wasted?

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservation movement.
I'll admit this was a little confusing; I thought the conservation movement was started by The Sierra Club and other liberals.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecue's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
I could tell you stories about boring liberal BBQs... tufo, mushrooms, guys sitting around cross-stitching. It's just sickening.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Truer words have never been spoken.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
They were also instrumental in getting women the right to vote. That set the country back hundreds of years.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Excellent point.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Other popular liberal jobs: bums, hobos, potheads, garbage men, terrorists, and college professors.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Of course that's only if their women do what they're told. I sent a response to the guy who forwarded this email to me; I asked him if women can even be conservative. It sounds like an oxymoron so I'm not certain that it's possible.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, airmen, soldiers, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Other popular conservative jobs: anyone who makes over $100K a year, body-builders, and the creator of universe.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
I so wish I would have been around to tame the Wild West. Try to imagine all of the Indians I could have killed. I would have been one of the most famous conservatives ever.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
I immediately laughed and was convinced of the absolute truth of this email. I can't wait till the next lesson.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

On Presidence Day

I'm not sure why we have a holiday that celebrates ALL presidents when really there are some that deserve to be heralded much more than others. Although I didn't have a lot of free time yesterday (busy chasing that coil-thing behind my body, napping, begging for seconds, growling at Morgan) I did think long and hard about this with the little time I had left and I'm pretty sure they should give Bush his own private holiday. It's just not right grouping him in there with all that riffraff.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

On Unfare Labor

Sometimes I do a hell of a lot of work for NOTHING!

Have these people ever heard of TREATS?

Saturday, February 17, 2007

On Uselesness

HAHAHAHAHAHAH Democrats are so HAHAHAHAHAH useless. A nonbinding resolution? What are they going to vote on next? A nonbinding resolution dictating what brand of dog food I have to eat? I hope you liberal hippies are happy with the new silly congress you voted in.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

On Valentimes Day-after

After witnessing all this wooing and candy and flowers and cards, I was thinking that this isn't really my type of holiday. I think I'd do much better at a "Players Day" type of celebration of love.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

On Valentimes

I wrote a poem to celebrate the holiday:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
sugar is sweet
but not as sweet as world domination.

I struggled with whether I should end the poem with "world domination" or "Tatanka." I think it's good how it is though.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

On Westminister

LAME!!! lame lame lame.
A Springer Spaniel named "Diamond Jim" (also lame) just won Best in Show at Westminster. I totally coulda won this guys. I sent the judges one of my head shots weeks ago and am pretty sure they saw the genius of the "Chug" breed but I think their acceptance and welcome letters must have gotten lost in the mail, that or Morgan tore it up like she does with all the mail, or maybe it came but my parents were too busy playing with her in Tahoe to remember to send my entry fees. Humph- this'll show 'em. I coulda made them rich, but forget it now.

Friday, February 09, 2007

On gillt

I think my parents felt guilty for taking Morgan to Tahoe without me (not that I even wanted to go) and then I think they probably felt especially guilty for bringing her back again because they bought me this knitted hoodie on their trip, which can only be described as a Guilt Gift.
They seemed pretty pleased with themselves for having bought it; they just laughed and pointed and squealed with excitement and laughed some more after putting it on me. As dapper as I must look, this still doesn't excuse their neglectful parenting techniques.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

On Discoverees

I've been betrayed, by the very parents that I thought loved me most. Morgan was in fact not taken to a snowie waste land. They went to the enchanted land known as Tahoe and had FUN! FUN! How do I know you ask? Because they came back and flaunted it all over the Internet. I guess I'll have to get back to making plans for getting rid of Morgan myself since I obviously can't rely on my parents to take care of it.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

On Dissappointments

Last Thursday my parents packed up a bunch of snow clothes, dropped me off at Milo's for the weekend and left with Morgan somewhere. Some dogs might get jealous in a situation like this, but I'm all brains and I was pretty sure I had it figured out. I was certain they were taking her off to some frozen wasteland to get rid of her. It was the only explanation really- all the big jackets, talk of the cold, the fact that they were only bringing her, the fact that finding her a new home has been on my wish-list for ever . . . So I spent the weekend living it up with Milo. We totally stayed up late and watched "All Dogs go to Heaven" and "Turner & Hooch", we toilet papered Erik and Teal's house, thought about sneaking in to Petco but Milo wimped out- scared of getting caught. Anyway, it was all even more fun because I was thinking about life without Morgan in the back of my mind, but then Sunday the dookie hit the fan because they came back with her. The only thing I can figure is that they went to leave her in this winter wonderland and she whined and cried so much about how she was gonna miss me, that they relented and let her come back. They are both pretty weak in character (most Liberals are) so this doesn't surprise me too much, but it's disappointing all the same.