Thursday, November 30, 2006

On Birfdays

11/25/1992, it's in my frick'n profile people. I didn't get even one birthday wish, not one! I think you people are just using me, I'm so funny, handsome, and clever. You read and read and read and take and take and take but you don't give me anything in return.

Okay, so what, I wasn't actually born in 1992, but you can believe the month and day are correct. I only lied about the year because blogspot insisted that I be older than 13.

Anyway, happy birthday to me. Thanks guys.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

On Popularitie

I'm thinking maybe we should do a "Most Popular" contest at the dog park. I'm not saying I'd win, but . . . .

I'm sorry, but do you see the way I'm idolized! These particular fans couldn't keep their hands off me. They literally kept squealing with joy.
Like I said though, I'm not saying I'd win; I'm not even a 5-day-a-weeker at the park but I think a little healthy competition is good for the soul. My day laborers have opposable thumbs so they could write up the ballots, and they should probably just leave certain dogs off all together, like Morgan for instance. I mean, why make her suffer through the embarrassment of not getting any votes. And like Shorty and Milo- dogs shouldn't be able to participate unless they're at least 10 pounds. This would have to be a fair contest though- no democrats pulling their dirty little tricks.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

On Newticles

So some of you might be familiar with the Neuticle rage. For those of you unfamiliar with neuticles, they are fake nuts. It's pretty much the male canine equivalent of a boob job. Now don't get me wrong- I'm all for large jugs. But I'm just saying, a true bad ass wouldn't need to front like some neuticle-wearing punk. Take me for example, I don't need to get implants, because I am the real deal.

While the supporters of Neuticles make a good argument:
We feel the removal of a God given body part - leaving a male pet looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering is not only unethical but unnatural. With Neuticles it's like nothing ever changed.

They're still for punks.

Watch me man handle this kid with fake nuts then you can decide who the alpha dog is:
Click the picture to view the video

Monday, November 27, 2006

On Misteaken Idenitifies

Dad had a friend come over the other day who asked if I was a pit bull. Can you believe the nerve? Had I not been busy napping in the sun I probably would have gotten up and killed the guy. Hopefully dad set him straight about my breed--Pit Bull Killer.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

On Culture Wariors

While everyone knows by now that Rush is my boy, I'd also like to give a shout out to Bill. Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep at night because I can't stop thinking about which one is actually my favorite. Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a "who's the greatest political commentator of all time" post so let me get to my point--Bill has a new book out, Culture Warrior. I pre-ordered my copy and read it in two days. I don't expect most people to be able to read the book quite as quickly because, as it turns out, I have a lot more free time on my hands than your average human.

Here's a book review. Bill wants to know if you love America or hate America. I want to know too actually. Anyway, he tells you how to spot lovers and haters as well as how to tell which side you fall on. He then goes on to show why it's so important to love America. I'd tell you more about the book but Bill might sue me for copy-right infringement or something, that's just the great American way.

Bill has even gone a step further by creating an online test that will help you figure out what type of person you are. You guys know I love tests, here are my results.

1. Do you believe in "income redistribution"--that is, the government taxing affluent Americans at a higher proportional rate in order to fund entitlements to the less well off?
I don't like math so I'm definitely against this sort of nonsense.

2. Do you believe the definition of marriage should include homosexuals?
No, otherwise the next thing you know people will want to start marrying my sister--that's just sick.

3. Do you think suspected terrorists captured overseas are entitled to Geneva Convention protections-that is, the same rights that military people are afforded?
No, another easy one since I hate terrorists.

4. Do you believe that the USA, in general, is harmful to the world?
Yes, we destroy all kinds of crap. Go Rummy!!!!

5. Are you against states legally mandating that parents be informed when their underage daughters have abortions?
No. I hate abortion. If there were more babies then there would be more babies for me to eat.

I sent Bill and email because I'm pretty certain his test is broke. Here's what it said about me:

Based on the answers you gave...
You lean heavily towards being a traditional warrior.

Obviously I'm a full scale traditional assault warrior, I'm not just leaning. If it were anyone besides Bill I'd say whoever created this test must be nuts. I suspect it's just a mistake, although, I rarely (maybe never) see Bill make mistakes so I'm still a little concerned. I hope he responds to my email.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

On Pron

Normally on black Friday I like to support the American way of life by going out and doing a whole bunch of shopping, get the best deals on greenies, chew toys, rubber balls, and stuffed hedgehogs, seriously I can do all my Christmas shopping in one day--it's so great. Today I woke up early (11:30am) to do my shopping but when I got on the internet to see if Petco was having any sales I accidentally typed the wrong thing into Google and then also accidentally followed one of the links that came up. I was instantly caught (all day long) in a deadly porn trap. You all know I've got good wholesome American Christian values so obviously I didn't intentionally go out looking for porn--it found me.

I figure I should post the video I found here so you guys can see it and know what to watch out for, you seriously don't want to get sucked into watching something like this on such an important day as Black Friday like I did.

Click to watch video

Uhm, so since I didn't get my Christmas shopping done today if anyone wants to get me something for Christmas you can get me any of the following items: greenies, chew toys, rubber balls, or stuffed hedgehogs.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

On Thainkstgiving

Thanksgiving is I think my favorite holiday. It represents so many things that I believe in, namely Food-Football-and-Family. Any country that wouldn't create a holiday to celebrate these things is no country of mine, that's for sure.
Even though there's a whole lot of stuff out there that I deserve and don't have, I still think it's right that we count our blessings.
The things I'm grateful for:
That I'm better than my sister
When you get to the part where you've made a big enough hole in a stuffed animal that you can start tearing it's insides out.
Toby Keith
Fox news
My good looks
Pumpkin pie
Fort Funston
Girls Gone Wild
Being popular
Fast cars
That smell found in various grasses and beaches that I can roll in to hide the stink of a bath.
My black belt in Karate
That babies taste so yummy
Belly scratches
Sunny windows
Being President

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

On Missunderstandings

My dad claims that I misunderstood what Erik was saying about his dad, and that in fact Erik's dad is not a communist. Erik has not come around to defend his dad's honor so I will continue to assume my interpretation of his words is correct. For those who have a far lower reading comprehension than myself, which apparently isn't just Morgan but also includes my dad, here's how to read what Erik said.

"my dad served in 'nam unlike your buddy 'W'"

There were two types of people in Viet Nam: patriotic Americans and communists. Bush is a patriotic American. Erik says his dad is unlike Bush and was in Nam, this means that he wasn't a patriotic American and therefore had to be a communist. I think this should be obvious.

I also have a theory that there were terrorists in Viet Nam back then too, so there is a small possibility that Erik's dad is actually a terrorist and not a communist. I expect the FBI or CIA will be calling me soon to offer me a job as a Special Agent or Detective Extraordinaire.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

On Laber

You may have noticed I added a link on my blog to my Day Laborers a while back. That's Erik and Teal, they're normally great, as far as people go. Sawyer also lives with them, he's a good red-blooded American, a patriotic blood hound mutt. Erik, who recently (and shamefully) professed his dad was a communist, is my main laborer. Unfortunately, I've been having a problem with him lately. First, though, let me be clear, I'm a fair employer; I've never bitten him and I think I pay him a decent wage. But I've been asking him to take me to the tattoo parlor so that I can get my "Chug Life" tattoo on my stomach and he's been refusing to do so for like a year now (which is like 7 years for me). So I'm starting to wonder what I'm paying him for. I'm also starting to think he's either afraid of needles or not down with the Chug Life. Either way, I may have to dock his wages if he doesn't start remembering who the boss is.

I'm just saying, what good are day laborers for if they don't do what you tell them to?

Monday, November 20, 2006

On Ansestors

I was doing some genealogy today and was struck by the striking resemblance between myself and these beautiful creatures.

It's weird though because I always hear people say that my ugly sister Morgan looks like a wolf. What the crap is wrong with people?! Are they blind. Everybody knows that wolves have BROWN eyes, like ME.

Morgan- the ugly mutt.

Me- the majestic Wolf-descendant.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

On Foriegners

It's one thing to dress up like a cowboy, a great American symbol, but unfortunately for my friend Milo his parents thought it was a good idea to dress him up like a china man--a frick'n communist. Sorry buddy.

Unfortunately Wayne has also turned communist too.

Friday, November 17, 2006

On Graf reading

I've been studying this graph for a few hours now- ever since I grew weary of focusing on that fury coil-like object I keep catching glimpses of when I quickly turn around. Really this thing is wiggin' me out. It's like somebody or some. . . thing is following me. I can sense it's there; I would even say I can see it out of the corner of my eye, but then I turn around to attack/kill it, and it disappears. . . . Anyway, like I was saying- I've been studying this graph, i.e. my test results from God's scientists, and I think I understand what he's trying to tell me. If you happen to be in tune with these sorts of things like I am, it should be obvious to you too that my graph resembles the tips of a crown. Turns out I'm probably royalty. You know, I was a little skeptical about this scientology stuff, but it looks like they know what they're talking about.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

On Sciencetology

Today I spent the afternoon looking up religions. This country was founded on religion and is ran by some of my favorite religious people. Today I found a new religion I hadn't heard of before, Scientology. I took one of their free tests, it was pretty fun. Some sample questions are below.

>Can you “start the ball rolling” at a social gathering?
I love playing ball.

>Do you bite your fingernails or chew the end of your pencil?
No, but I sometimes lick my own butthole.

>If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic
>towards conscientious objectors in this country?
"conscientious objectors" is that even a real thing?

>Does a minor failure on your part rarely trouble you?
What does "failure" mean?

>Are you suspicious of people who ask to borrow money from you?
Charles still owes me $40, I think he might have wasted it on liberal propoganda.

>Would you assist a fellow traveler rather than leave it to
>the officials?
Officials tend to know best. I mean I could probably fix the problem myself but I just don't have time to be taking care of every body else's problems.

>Can you accept defeat easily without the necessity of
>“swallowing your disappointment”?
I couldn't answer this one because I've never been defeated.

>Do people enjoy being in your company?
Is this question even necessary?

>Would you make the necessary actions to kill an animal
>in order to put it out of pain?
I did this to a pitbull I injured once, not a big deal.

>Do others push you around?

>Do you often ponder over your own inferiority?
Some of these questions are really dumb.

>Are you embarrassed by a hearty greeting such as a kiss,
>hug, or pat on the back, if done in public?
I'll sniff anyone's crotch that I meet.

>Are you sometimes convinced of the correctness of your
>opinions about a subject even though you are not an expert?
This one was a trick question because I'm an expert on pretty much every subject.

>If you lose an article, do you get the idea that
>“someone must have stolen or mislaid it”?
I've seen Milo eyeball a couple of my toys... Nothing has turned up missing yet.

Here are my test results. I'm not sure how to read this graph. Stupid graphs.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

On Cowboies

I LOVE it when Grandpa visits. It’s like Christmas! Check this out. Not only did he bring with him the November issue of The Limbaugh Letter (Seriously, where am I supposed to find treasures like that in this backwards city!) but he also brought the latest issue of Cowboys and Indians, the premier magazine of the west. Now I’ve definitely considered being a cowboy before. I figure if it’s a good enough hobby for my man W, then it’s good enough for this here el presidento. So how did Bush do it, I asked myself. After learning that you don’t even have to know how to ride a horse to be a cowboy I realized I was already halfway there. I had myself some boots and I think with just a little more practice I’ll be able to walk myself straight to the promise land.

Click image to play movie of me being a cowboy.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

On Nemisises

Cesar Millan is a bitch!

Have a look at the sort of nonsense he is putting into peoples' heads: "Exercise, discipline, THEN affection."

I think it's obvious that the true order of dog training is affection, food, exercise, and THEN MORE affection (and maybe some more food, but not the hard crap, some of that nice tasty beef and gravy flavored stuff). The man is clearly insane; he and his ideas should be viewed with much suspicion. I suspect he may be a communist.

Let's see what else he had to say: "[Dogs are] actually looking for you to be the pack leader."

There's only room for one leader, and that's me, or in the case of this great nation, President Bush (God bless him).

Tell me this man doesn't look crazy.

Monday, November 13, 2006

On Cusing

When I started this blog mom said I could only do it if I used it responsibly, which meant no swearing. But now I've reached a doggie dilemma. The word 'Bitch' deserves some special attention. In human language sure it's a swear word but in my little four-legged world it's just a way to describe my (stupid) sister and other female dogs. As the President, I'm going to make an executive decision to use it in my blog--I will try to do so responsibly.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

On Steeling

It's good to be a gangsta.

Clicking this image will open a quicktime movie.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

On faveritism

Parents often times say they love all their children equally. But I've found this to be false. Let's take today as an example. We went to this posh doggie boutique--not really my type of place to begin with, but not really the point here either.

They bought Morgan (my stupid sister) this fancy-shmancy bed. It comes in your choice of 60 designer patterns, it's made of "high-loft 100% virgin polyester fibre"(what does that even mean anyway?), and it's more comfortable than my parent's bed. Seriously, it's like the Mercedes Benz of doggie beds, not that I would ever buy anything besides a Chevy.

I, on the other hand, came home with a rubber stick.

Friday, November 10, 2006

On Defeet

November 7th, 2006 is the real reason I started this blog. Hmmmm, I just noticed that blog rhymes with dog, I also just noticed that there is a curly tail-like object sitting on my back near the rear of my body. I'll have to investigate that later, although it's highly distracting at the moment.

I've been depressed the last few days. It's one thing for the Republicans (God bless Bush) to lose the House and the Senate, but it's quite another to see Rummy go. Now he's a man after my own heart--he knows how to destroy things. I haven't had the luck to destroy a whole country yet but I could tell you stories about my mom's favorite chinese shoes (not sure why she owned Communist shoes anyway), cable wires, doors, beds, pitbulls and my sister Morgan.

Even worse is living with all these liberal hippies. They dance around like this is the best thing to happen since Russia crumbled before the mighty powers of America. Luckily Grandpa is visiting next week, maybe he and I will go out to a bar and get some beers, maybe do some crying, not that I cry, but if grandpa needs to I'll be there for him. Hopefully we can destroy something afterwards.

Retire In Peace Rummy

My First Post

I totally own this place.